woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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