I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
