This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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