I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You need a sexual gate keeper
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
