whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was born a porn star she said
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize