I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
