Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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