Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
