70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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