Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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