Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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