everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
