Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
