Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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