Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
