I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
