good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Only a mothe r could love this liver
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
