I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
