I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
