Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
