Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
