she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Randomize
