he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
