just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
