I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
