I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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