I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
