either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize