My sheets look like a crime scene.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
