Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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