If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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