sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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