i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
