I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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