: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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