I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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