i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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