Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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