The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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