nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
