I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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