Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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