My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
