Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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