Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
