I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
