Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
