Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
