White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize