I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
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