I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
