he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
