Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
