my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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