The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize