She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
FUCK WHALES
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
