Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize