I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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