New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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