So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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