the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
