Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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