I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
