My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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