Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
if only i could text you this smell
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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