I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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