chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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