No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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