I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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