Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
