If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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