I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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